
Life can be difficult. Stress is often our daily companion. To help you, here are some articles that I have written since 1983 that will give you easy-to-understand explanations of common problems that convert into ready-to-use solutions.

If you enjoy reading these, consider purchasing my book (MAP TO HAPPINESS: Straightforward Advice on Everyday Issues) either at TCS or on www.amazon.com.
Peter Stimpson
Question: My husband is having an affair with a younger woman. While I am crying myself to sleep at night, he seems to be having a ball! Why is life so unfair?
Answer: Adultery is widespread in our culture. So too is the myth that goes with it, namely, that you can have your cake and eat it too, that two women are better than one, or that your husband is having a ball.
To understand my point, you must understand marriage. Marriage is defined by your marital vow, your promise to be true to each other, to continually help each other grow, no matter what comes your way. Your vow is like a protective bubble, preventing outside interference, while allowing you to experience inside intensity. You become so intimate with each other that you lovingly help each other grow, gently pointing out weaknesses in one another with which you are willing to help your spouse.
Your husband, however, has lost the healing of that power. Perhaps he doubts his self-worth, and is flattered by the attention of this "younger" woman. Perhaps he is a workaholic who refuses to listen to your advice to work less and relax more, and is comforted in the arms of "a more understanding woman". Whatever is the cause, my point is that he may well be running away from himself. While he may seem to be having the time of his life, by not facing his problem, he is condemned to continue living it.
By "fooling around", he loses the intensity of his relationship with you. He cannot relate to 2 women without watering down the power of his relationship. This point is so clear to me that I never allow marriage counseling to begin until the person having the affair ends it. This is not because I am mean, but because the counseling will not otherwise work. If your husband can duck his growth by running to someone who will tell him what he wants to hear, his relationship with you will be stripped of its power. The counseling process will be doomed before it starts.
However, you must now look deep into your own soul. Adultery is not only a problem, but is also a symptom of a problem in your marriage. Perhaps you have not "lovingly" pointed out those areas where he needs to grow, and may not have been honest enough to listen to him when he tried to help you. If that is the case, you need to face your own need for growth, and then urge your husband to return to a process where growth will be on both your parts.
He may not at first be willing. Have him reflect on this thought. He can easily divorce you, and even marry the "other woman". That may take a year or so. Then, it will take another year or so before the rose-colored glasses come off and true growth begins. At that point, he will realize that relationship #2 is not much different than relationship #1. While he will then wonder what might have happened if he had tried with you, it will be too late. However, it is not too late now. A 3-month period of marriage counseling will tell him either that your relationship will not work, or that happiness has been under his nose all along. Either way, he has nothing to lose.
Question: I'm 62, retirement is just around the corner, and I'm scared of getting old and useless. My wife tells me that I'm too negative. What do you think?
Answer:
Question: My wife says that I have a problem with my temper, that I blow up all the time, and that she’s scared of me. But aren’t you supposed to get your anger out?
Answer:
Aggressive Anger: Is overkill. When you yell, throw an ashtray, punch a hole in the wall, or threaten to punch someone, people become frightened, focusing more on how you are talking than on what you are saying. They may also wrongly assume that you are incapable of being gentle and caring, and so your friends do not invite you back and your spouse asks for a divorce. Too much anger leads to too little love.
Passive-Aggressive Anger: is what I call “sneaky anger”. Being scared to “bite the hand that feeds you”, you express your anger in an indirect and covert manner. Your sarcasm stings, your silent treatment chills the house, and your procrastination frustrates everyone to death. But, while everyone knows that you are mad, no one knows why, and most people just give you a wide berth rather than baby you with 20 questions as to what is wrong.
Assertive Anger: is the mean between the extremes. It is calm and rational rather than violent and aggressive, and direct and open rather than indirect and secretive. A few helpful hints are:
Combine the “I” Statement with a Solution , as anger without a proposed remedy is called “nagging”. Your solution should, however, be a suggestion, not an order, for the purpose of your talk is to discuss vs. dictate the outcome, producing intimacy, not a winner.
Question: I had a friend who went to the emergency room, thinking that he was having a heart attack. It turned out there was nothing wrong with him physically. It was just anxiety. Could you tell me what anxiety is and how it can be helped?
Answer:
Definition: Anxiety is being apprehensive or worrying about what may happen. A little is useful, helping you study for a test, or make sure you pack everything for a trip. Too much for too long is not good, paralyzing your ability to function.
a. Generalized Anxiety Disorder: continual symptoms, but at a lower level.
b. Panic Disorder: occasional symptoms, but intense and unpredictable, where the person thinks that he or she may be having a heart attack or "going crazy".
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LISTENING SKILLS: At base, listening is a ministry of “presence”. We are a society where so many like to be the center of attention, to speak of their concerns, but not listen to the concerns of others. In contrast, those who engage in a ministry of pastoral care, must listen to understand what the inner problem is, so as to help the person devise a solution. Even without advice, just showering the attention of listening upon others values them in a way that few persons have. Your empathic listening and understanding bathe the wounds of someone injured in our callous and cynical world with genuine concern and caring. Christ comes to them by your kind and discerning attention.
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1. EXPRESS VS. SUPPRESS: Tell your wife how you are feeling. Do not try to avoid telling her, or indefinitely postpone it. If you are angry, for instance, holding your feelings in today may well lead to an explosion tomorrow. As the emotional force of four issues gets squeezed into one, you end up yelling and "looking like a jerk", your wife ends up hurt, and the issue is still unresolved. 2. FEELINGS VS. BEHAVIOR: Focus on your feelings and not her behavior. If she did something which hurt you, tell her more about how it made you feel, and less about what she did wrong. If she hears your need and sees how to help, then she tends to be less defensive and listens more to what you are saying. But, if you list a litany of her failed behaviors, then she digs in her heels and prepares to knock down the case she sees you building up against her. 3. SUBSTANCE VS. STYLE: I realize that you may be nervous about looking "dumb" when you open your heart to your wife, but she is not looking for you to be William Shakespeare, just to be open and honest. If she senses that you are struggling to reveal your inner soul to her, then, if she really loves you, she will listen patiently, respecting your courage to trust her love. 4. STICK WITH ONE ISSUE: Try not to respond to her constructive criticism with, "Oh yeah, well you're no prize either!" You will have your hands full with one issue, so avoid playing tit-for-tat, which only moves you further and further away from the main point to a point where you feel lost in a forest of ping-pong accusations. 5. PROPOSE A SOLUTION: A big difference between nagging and being assertive is offering a solution. While your proposal may be altered or replaced, it will be clear to your wife that you are trying to be positive, hoping to work together to create a better union instead of pushing her away by painstakingly pointing out the depressing cracks in your marriage. 6. BE ROMANTIC: HOW you talk may help WHAT you are going to say. Sit next to your wife and hold her hand. Talk in the living room with soft music and candlelight instead of in the kitchen under lights so bright you could perform surgery. Combine sensitivity with assertiveness, and realize that your goal is not to win, but to become closer. 7. BE BRAVE: I know that talking openly means risking being criticized or rejected. But, it also means deepening your love. Realize that you are not stupid. You married your wife for a reason. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and you the marriage you always wanted. |
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I wonder how many people give Father’s Day the same reverence as Mother’s Day? I'm a father, and while I probably get a card once a year, I often feel that a lot of what I do goes unnoticed. Could you address that in one of your articles?
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My wife died recently, and I was struck by how many dumb comments were made to me, like “It’s God’s Will.” Could you write an article to help people know what not to say when bad times hit?
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Question: I have trouble understanding what's wrong with having a death penalty. If someone commits a horrible crime, they deserve to die. Why does the church and most counselors oppose the death penalty? Answer:
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Question: I have heard that you and your first wife went through quite an ordeal, she coming close to dying while you were waiting for her liver transplant, and then a long, hard road while recuperating after the operation. What lessons did you learn about life? Answer:
So, what have I learned? To live a day at a time, to face what is bad, look for what is good, and to smile at the opportunity to become more of me by helping you. |
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I have a close friend who is dying. What must he be feeling and how can I help? Denial: The shock of the diagnosis of a terminal illness initially hits like a sledgehammer, taking your breath away as your eyes fill with tears. However, once home amidst your usual surroundings, and not yet aware of dramatically unusual symptoms, the shock can fade quickly and seem almost unreal. It is reasonable for a person to need time to be able to swallow what they have just been told, as well as denial being the mind’s protection from being overwhelmed. However, failure to keep appointment or begin treatment may require those who care to lovingly, but firmly, confront the person with the reality of their situation. Anger: But soon your illness aggressively confronts you with the painful reality of invasive symptoms. No matter how old you are, you feel robbed of normalcy, and, being only able to slow this agonizing journey, you rail against what seems unfair and capricious. Not being able to scream at your illness, you strike out at your spouse, family, doctor and God, all of whom will hopefully stay calm and listen empathetically, redirecting your energies to fight your illness and face the meaning of your life. Bargaining: Mixed in with anger at others can be anger at self, cruelly torturing yourself with wondering “what if” you did this or that to have avoided the quandary in which you now feel trapped. Again, others help you to face the inevitable consequences of being human, that life on earth does not last forever no matter how many “T’s” you cross or “I’s” you dot, but is instead a path to a life hereafter. Some people, much like Job, wonder if they are being punished in the present for past sins. But, God is not vindictive. The punishment for selfish behavior is to BE selfish. God’s judgment, having given you free will, is to accept your judgment. But, remember, your life is most probably more good than bad, and even if it was not, you can change right up until you die, God forever offering you forgiveness and another chance. Depression: As the disease process inexorably and insidiously deepens, with pain increasing and quality of life decreasing, trips to the doctor or hospital seem ever so futile, and the inevitability of what is approaching depresses you. Even those who do visit may nervously give false reassurances that “it’ll be OK”, when you know that is just not true. You then feel increasingly alone, and your depression worsens. Friends need to let you air your feelings, and give you honest feedback, helping you prepare for death. And, as strange as this sounds, you need to focus more on the good than the bad. The negatives are all-too-evident, being rudely shoved “right in your face”. But, to dwell on them gets you nowhere. Instead, focus on what is genuinely good in your life: the love of your family and God, the warmth of the sun on your face or coffee on your palate, the softness of a robe, clean sheets on your bed, flowers from a friend ---- these are real, but often missed in our hectic world. Now you have time to notice the small things, and that will make a large difference. Acceptance: Gradually, you are drawn to face your death because it is constantly looming before you, and honest talks with God, your pastor, and your spouse move you from seeing death as an end to seeing that it is a transition to a new beginning. Looking back at your life helps you to see the maturation of your soul; your chosen ability to connect with and love others being a treasure that death cannot touch. You then become not scared of death, but only of the process of dying, realizing that the last breath you take on earth will be followed by the first breath you take in heaven, enabling you to let go of one life to embrace another. |
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Question: I've got a friend who's depressed. He's always so negative, as if looking at life through a dark and gloomy filter. How can I help him? Answer: A. THINKING: Negative ideas bring people down because they are distorted. Helping your friend is helping him find & correct the distortion. Let me give you some examples.
B. TREATING: Helping your friend can be done by:
C. READING: If you found this helpful, consider reading either Feeling Good by David Burns or any text on Cognitive Therapy by Aaron Beck. |
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Question: I have been feeling down in the dumps for some time. Could you explain what depression is, and what can be done about it? Answer:
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Question: My husband divorced me 3 months ago, saying that I was boring and had held him back from career advancements. I’m 42 and overweight. I haven’t worked in years. Who’d want a middle-age, fat, unemployed woman with 2 kids? Answer: The truth is, however, that just as it took two to make your marriage, it also takes two to break it. Your husband, hoping to enlist allies in this war to prove his innocence, projects blame to you and relishes in the fact that you accept it.So, stop blaming yourself, and instead start evaluating your half of what went wrong.
Then, if you choose, you will be ready to remarry, not feeling “lucky” to have found anybody, but taking your time to find someone who will love you as much as you love them. |
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Question: A talk show said that kids aren’t really all that affected by a divorce. Can that be true?
A final comment is that the above problems do not imply that parents should never divorce, just that the tragedy of divorce profoundly touches the lives of children, and that parents, while no longer husband and wife, need to continue to unselfishly work together as father and mother. |
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Question: An have a good friend who has bulimia. I don't know much about eating disorders. Could you help me understand them better? Answer: A. DEFINITION: Anorexia nervosa involves such an intense fear of getting fat that the person allows their body weight to fall at least 15% below the norm, and feels fat even when emaciated. Women in the latter stages of the disorder often experience the absence of their menstrual cycle. Only 5-10% of anorexic patients are men. B. CAUSES: First, societal pressure on women in particular to be thin is immense. It was bad enough trying to live up to a Revlon ad with Cindy Crawford, but now an emaciated waif named Kate Moss is being tauted as the ideal woman. Secondly, family dynamics reveal that the bulimic comes from a family typified by hostility and detachment, the absence of love resulting in a craving for the presence of food. Think of it, the first way love was communicated was a baby's bottle. For the anorexic, their family is typified by a lack of hostility, and a presence of over-nurturing and over-protectiveness. If they doubt in their own inner strength, the adolescent transition into adulthood can be scary, and force them to increase their attractiveness by decreasing their weight. C. TREATMENT: Whether you binge and purge, or whether you can never be thin enough, the end result is feeling depressed at "not measuring up". This is where therapy can begin to attack the problem, helping a person to realize that they have set impossible standards of perfection both for their body and their soul. Gradually, they are helped to relax, see their value as coming from within instead of from without, and set their own goals for their body weight, career, and marriage. Group therapy and support groups like Overeaters Anonymous help by assisting people to see that they are not alone, and by learning what has or has not worked for others. Finally, family and friends must try to examine their own prejudices and behavior, so that a healthier person is not placed back in an unhealthy environment. |
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I recently saw a couple where the wife was urging her husband to share his feelings. When he finally did, courageously speaking with tears in his eyes, she stared at him with disgust and exclaimed, "And I thought that I married a man!" Needless to say, any further motivation of his to "let it all hang out" went down in flames. To attack this problem, we must attack the myth that a man is weak if he expresses his emotions. Consider what it is like to be married to "an emotional rock". Whether your husband is the strong, silent type or someone who intellectualizes his feelings, giving you a computer printout of his 7.5 reasons for loving you, the end result is the same: you are starving to death emotionally. The pain you are feeling is proof positive that holding feelings in has let the air out of your marriage. So, how do you get him to change? Here are 3 ideas. 1. BE REALISTIC: Make sure that you have changed, that you are not like the wife I just described. Both you and your husband must realize that the "real man" images of Rambo, Rocky, The Duke, or Dirty Harry are just that -- images. They are imaginary, and, even if they were real, they would need intense therapy a lot more than idol worship. 2. BE PATIENT: Realize that your husband may have had some rather deep conditioning by his family. I had a client once whose father died when he was a boy. Kneeling before his father's casket at the wake, he began to cry. His brother came up and whispered in his ear: "If you can't control yourself, you won't be allowed to stay!" It took that boy years to reverse the pattern he was taught, even though he knew it was wrong. 3. BE PERSISTENT: Practice does, indeed, make perfect. My advice to couples is that they get into the habit of setting aside 1 hour per week to talk. That time span enables you to go deeper than the normal "How was your day?" conversation. Also, try to enjoy it. This is not a grilling under the fluorescent lights of the kitchen, but rather a romantic talk in the living room with soft music and lighting to set the mood. When couples smirk and remind me that they have children, I simply challenge them to get creative. If you are too tired when the kids are in bed, consider using your VCR and that favorite Disney or Barney tape. Hard -- yes. Impossible -- no. Your reward will be the marriage that you have always wanted. |
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When you choose a doctor, my guess is that you want someone with a good bedside manner. When you buy a car, you probably want someone who relates to you more like a friend than a potential sucker. What you want from life is not just people who are smart, but people who genuinely care. While you hope that your Rector will be somewhat of a theologian, you will be very upset if he or she is not found to be very pastoral. But, the hope is that you can develop both. EQ and IQ are friends, somewhat like different sides of the same coin. Here are just 4 examples. 1. STRESS: If you get too flustered, you have a hard time thinking. Learning how to manage your stress can help you not "blow" a test or a work assignment. 2. DECISIONS: Knowing what you want will help you choose what to do instead of analyzing something to death. 3. ANGER: Self-Control allows you to express vs. suppress your feelings, and to do so without yelling or being sarcastic so that your chance of having your ideas heard is greater. 4. DEPRESSION: Letting go of guilt, forgiving yourself for past failures, and having a more optimistic view of life enables you to "snap out of it". So, EQ is, indeed, important. In a society which we often characterize as being cold and impersonal, it would do us all some good to develop our hearts as well as our minds. People skills like empathy and self-awareness can help us better love ourselves and others, and attain more of the happiness that we have always wanted. |
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My husband is a jealous nut! He thinks that every man is attracted to me, and more than occasionally accuses me of flirting. How do I get him to stop? To control their fear, they try to control you. Their logic is that if you are home, then you have no chance to compare them with other men, discover that you are "stuck with a loser", and leave. So, they may ask that you not work, or that you wait until they can come with you to the mall or grocery store. As this is generally impossible, they may become detectives, asking you to account for where you were and what you did. As their fear increases, so too do the accusations, often escalating from accusing you of flirting to having affairs. Most women make the mistake of endlessly defending their behavior instead of looking into the soul of their husband. And, even when some women bravely ask their husbands what is wrong, they usually run head on into that macho mask. But, that is what you must do. You must consistently encourage your husband to reveal his innermost fears. While he will try to resist by defiant silence or childish blowups, you must lovingly insist that this issue be faced. This does not mean nagging him, nor pursuing him from room to room, but tenderly urging him to come to you. When he does, listen carefully, do not interrupt, and be empathic. While you can reassure him of your love, remember that the focus must be on him. Therefore, get him to see himself through your eyes. Help him to recall those fine qualities that drew you to him in the first place. And whenever he slips and accuses you, sternly tell him that behavior is unacceptable, and again talk regarding his inner worth. Is that hard? Yes. Is it impossible? No. But, without facing the issue, his abuse will increase, and your marriage will die. So, a little assertion now will save you from a big divorce later. |
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Question: How do you deal with frustration? When things don't go my way, I really get bent out of shape.Answer: First, imagine a situation over which you have no control. If you expect your drive home to take 30 minutes, and it really takes 90 minutes, you get frustrated. What can you do? You can fume about the "idiot" whose reckless driving inconveniently tied up traffic with an accident, yelling to yourself that "life sucks", and inching your car from lane to lane in a vain attempt to "speed things up". However, the end result is that your blood pressure soars, and your unsuspecting spouse is in for a nightmare of an evening. Instead, you can calm down, accept the reality that life has its share of bumps, turn your radio to a favorite station, and try to enjoy some unplanned "down" time. When you arrive home, you are not exactly "a happy camper", but you will not be allowing something over which you had no control to destroy your evening over which you do. Next, imagine a situation where you have much more say in what occurs. On another evening, you arrive home, hoping to take a warm shower, have a cold beer, and relax watching TV. However, your wife has had an equally rough day with the children, and wants you to not only show her understanding & empathy, but also to give her a much-needed break - immediately! Your reaction? You could blow your stack, berating her for being "an insensitive clod" in not giving you a second to catch your breath. Or, you could "cave" and do what she expects, all the while muttering sarcastic, backbiting comments meant to not-so-subtly teach her a lesson for not living up to your expectations. Instead, you and she could sit down and think out a solution to this common problem. Oh, yes, that would probably be after "blowing it" and learning from your mistakes, but my point is that this learning would involve having the expectations of you and your spouse match the reality that you are facing. Both needs are realistic, but cannot be accomplished simultaneously. Taking control of the situation means neither blaming your spouse, nor condemning yourself to a world of frustration, but rather facing the normal limitations of life, listening to one another, and compromising. In both situations, frustration can actually awaken you to a need for creativity and change. In the above examples, instead of suffering from angina and a divorce, you can learn to not only manage stress, but also actually turn a potential negative into a very real positive. |
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With all that’s going on in the world, I feel like I'm under a blanket of fear. I'm scared of flying and opening my mail. I was always a little nervous, but now it's terrible. How does somebody cope with fear?
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Question: I don’t understand forgiveness. It seems so weak, as if you’re letting someone get away with murder and opening the door for them to abuse you all over again. Am I right? Answer:
To make this clearer, if I kept punching you in the nose and asking for your forgiveness, eventually, you would determine that enough is enough, tell me to leave, and even put up your fists to protect yourself. Are you being UnChristian? No, just UnStupid! God does not want you to be a punching bag, just to give others who are genuinely sorry, a chance to change. |
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Question: I have a friend who just lost $22,000 in Atlantic City. Why do people gamble, and how can his family and I help? Answer: A. CHARACTERISTICS: Those who are lost in their problem exhibit a number of signs. They are preoccupied with gambling, and tend to increase the amount of their bet to gain the desired "rush". They use gambling as a way to feel better about themselves. Yet, when bad goes to worse, they "chase" their losses, namely, betting more to "catch up". When they can not do that, they may borrow money from friends or relatives, or commit theft, forgery, or embezzlement to continue gambling, promising to eventually put back what they took. B. CAUSES: What drives the problem is complex, but many point to parents who might have provided gifts and money as a guilty reparation for the lack of quality time they spent with their children. If money equals love, or the power to get love, then gambling is seen as a possible quick fix. Other theories state that people who grew up poor simply see happiness as having money, and again, gambling provides the lure of getting there fast. C. TREATMENT: Certainly, the person must be helped to challenge the meaning of money, and seeing that one can be happy and a good provider without necessarily rolling in money like Scrooge McDuck.
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Question: Why should I be humble? Being meek and mild only lets others cruise by you on the way to the top. Why does religion push being weak as a virtue? Answer:
Get the point? Even if you achieve more than any human who ever lived, you are still dwarfed by God. Why do we act so proud? Why are we consumed with trying to get others to think that we are great? Why have we still not learned the lesson of Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden? Like them, we want what we cannot have. We rail against our limits, always wanting more, the latest and greatest never satisfying for long. Not seeing the big picture, we are condemned to jealously vie for position in the little picture. Fearing criticism and yearning for praise, we wear masks of superiority, hoping to fool others and even ourselves. But, unlike the masks of Halloween that so easily come off at evening's end, these personality masks become harder to take off as each year passes, as we begin to believe the web of lies that we have so assiduously been spinning. Tragically, life becomes an exercise in futility, the frustrating pursuit of power being always and elusively just beyond our grasp. Why do you suppose Moses could deal with no longer being a Prince of Egypt, or Jesus with being born in a manger, growing up in an obscure village, and dying on a cross? Because they knew what really matters. You said that you want to get ahead. Good. So, don't be penny-wise and pound-foolish. Don't choose a big house and car, but a small soul. Learn what the Pharaohs of Egypt never did. Your Lexus won't be coming with you, but your soul will. Spend more time on what goes with you from this life to the next, not simply on what glitters today but is gone tomorrow. Think about it, who is really cruising by whom? |
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Question: My wife is seriously ill, and enduring a crammed waiting room for hours seems to add insult to injury. How can I cope better? Answer: You enter a waiting room that is standing room only, overly warm because of all that body heat. You luck out and get to sit next to the person who flunked “Hygiene 101” in high school. You look at many patients who stare ahead vacantly and their spouses who bury their fears by burying their heads in a book or magazine, and the optimism to which you cling seems more tenuous than ever. Then, you reflect on the reality of a long wait until your wife is called, and then waiting for her to reemerge. Indeed, waiting room agonies “add insult to injury”. While we could write another article on why some physicians “double book” patients, your question is how to cope with the reality before you. Here are a few simple ideas, none of which are perfect, but all of which will help:
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As if winter isn't dreadful enough, many have been hit by the flu this year. How does somebody cope with illness and keep their spirits up?
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Question: What is happiness? When I was a kid, it was to win ball games. When I became an adult, it was to make money. But, I've never really gotten there. My wife tells me that I'm never happy and that my moods turn people off, but time is running out. Answer: Consider some examples. If you do not wish to be alone, learn to be connected. Instead of complaining that no one cares, ask yourself how much you care. Do you try to put yourself in their shoes, or do you convey a rejecting and judgmental attitude? If someone explains how you have hurt them, do you listen or become defensive? If someone opens up their feelings to you, do you make that person feel like he or she is the only person in the world, or do you come across as uninterested? When you express your feelings, how do you do it? Yelling, nagging, sarcasm, and name-calling tend not to produce the best result, causing a shouting match, a deaf ear, or ammunition that can be used against you. If that is not the type of attention you would like, consider calmly telling the other what is bothering you, being careful not to project blame, but to propose a solution, which should be in the form of a suggestion, not an order. At work, are you known as the person who can be counted on in a pinch, or as the chronic complainer who drags down morale? Are you known as honest enough to be trusted, or are you always watched for fear you will take home supplies or duck out early? Do you look for work to do, or do you figure that no work signals an automatic coffee break? The point in all of the above is that it is not winning ball games or making money that will make you happy, but rather how you approach the situations and people in your life. To be empathic instead of callous, human instead of macho, kind instead of calculating, and cooperative instead of resistant will bring you closer to your spouse, children, and friends at work. |
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Question: Recently, I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, sat up straight, and realized that I'm getting older and will one day die. I can't seem to stop worrying, the question that haunts me being: Why was I born? What is the purpose of my life? Answer: If you choose to view others as suckers to manipulate instead of as potential friends, then you fail to learn how to be close to them, condemning yourself to be lonely, frustrated, and angry. When you are placed in the presence of God after death, never having learned how to be close to others, you do not know how to be close to God. Then you look around and see many who are close and, therefore, happy. Finally, you realize that this state of emptiness will last for all eternity. You are in Hell. However, if, during your life, you give of yourself so as to receive love and friendship in return, you may not be rich or famous, but you will possess the secret of life, knowing how to love. When placed in the presence of God, you will be able to be close to God, your reward being to be eternally happy. You are in Heaven. God gives us free will. The judgment of God is to accept your judgment. The punishment for choosing to be selfish is to be selfish. It saddens God if you choose to not love Him and your fellowman, but that is your choice. You choose to be happy or sad, to be in heaven or hell. He provides eternal life. You determine how you will live it. You should not wait to make this choice on your deathbed, but do so every day of your life. The good thief next to Jesus made the right choice, but had only a few minutes of growth left. You, however, are still alive. Each day is an opportunity to grow, to become more like Christ, more of a Christian. So, how are you doing? If you are on the wrong path, then wake up and change! If you are on the right path, then do not become smug and complacent, just keep going. Go to church to continue to learn more about the purpose of life and be refreshed for the challenge of each day. Then love your family, give an honest day's labor at work, treat all people as you would want to be treated, and worry not about the end of this life. The next one will be very happy. |
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Question: Does anyone really care about anyone else? I go to parties all the time, engage in meaningless banter, but always wonder if anyone really gives a damn about me. What do you think? Answer: Here is a powerful thought: the price for being selfish is to BE selfish. If someone genuinely cares about you, they gain you as a friend. If they do not, no matter how much “banter” is exchanged, they do not. Of course, when you hit bad times, that is, when you get sick or lose your money, then you have a better chance at discerning who is “true blue”. But my point, abstract but powerful, is that even if a person fools everyone during their lifetime, they fool neither themselves nor God. Life is a process of growth determined by how you relate to others. Life is a series of choices. Will you be kind or cruel, helpful or manipulative, caring or callous? Each interaction with each person on each day determines the depth of your growth. Death is the end of this process of growth. The judgment of God is simply to accept your judgment. If you have chosen to be a shallow, selfish person who feels that others like you because you have money, drive the right car, live in the right neighborhood, throw the right party, or associate with the right people, then your punishment is to be what you have chosen to be: shallow and selfish for all eternity. However, now let me pose you a question, making you look at the plank in your own eye instead of the speck in the eye of the other. Do YOU care? If you are going to parties because you are worried whether you will be liked or accepted, then you have foolishly handed over the power to determine your worth to others, nervously awaiting the mail that tells if you will or will not be still invited to a party, or being paranoid about how others view you when your business fails or your drive off the first tee travels only an embarrassing ten feet. God loves you not because of who you know, but because of who you are. Until you breathe your last, you still have the ability to turn your life around, to believe in yourself enough to be risk saying what you think and behaving as the caring person whom you were born to be. All the accoutrements of power and glory will not be coming with you when you enter the next life. Who you have chosen to be will. So, worry less about whether others care about you, and start worrying about whether you really care about them. There is nothing you can do about the former, but you will have to live for all eternity with what you decide to do about the latter. |
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Why Were You Born?
QUESTION: I just celebrated my 60th birthday. I have worked hard all my life, and yet when I look back, I wonder what it was all for. Why was I born? Why was anyone born?
ANSWER: Why were you born?
TO LIVE FOREVER? No. You can eat health foods until they come out of your ears, exercise to the point of making Arnold Schwarzenegger jealous, drink the standard 8 glasses of water a day, have more cosmetic surgery than Cher and Demi Moore combined, and 100 years from now, you will be dead.
TO BECOME RICH? No. Oh, don’t get me wrong. Material wealth is nice to have, but you must share it, and you cannot take it with you. No matter how much cash you stuff into your coffin with you, it will not being coming with you.
TO BECOME FAMOUS? No. Read People magazine. Fame is fleeting. The adoration of the masses can leave as quickly as it comes, and can be falsely placed, based on performance vs. personality, and occasionally based on behavior that is more ignominious than renown.
TO HAVE POWER? No. Again, that does not endure. Think of Alexander the Great, Caesar and Napoleon. They conquered, or tried to conquer, the world. But today, they are but a memory. Reflect upon Shelley’s contemplation of a decaying statue of Ramses II, contrasting the arrogant words of the ancient Pharaoh (“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings. Look on my works, ye Mighty and despair!”) with the sorry state and empty surroundings of his statue (“Nothing else remains, Round the decay of that colossal wreck”).
TO LOVE AND BE LOVED? Yes. You are defined by the choices you make. Each interaction with each person on each day of your life is an opportunity for you to grow or shrink, to love or hate. You can be kind or cruel, helpful or manipulative, cooperative or controlling.
The more you learn how to love, the happier you become. You are loved by your spouse and children not for all the hours you worked or goodies you provided, but rather for those qualities that made spending time with you a joy: your sensitivity, caring, reliability and responsibility.
Those qualities are internal. They are part of you, defining who you are, your very soul. Both this life and the next will be enriched or impoverished by the depth of those qualities, rewarding you with the closeness of friends or punishing you with the loneliness of a selfish heart. The judgment of God will be to simply accept your own free-will judgment, made over a lifetime to be experienced for eternity.
CONCLUSION: So, you were born to become fully human, fully mature, and fully happy. Who you are inside will go with you from this life to the next. What you have on the outside, whether possessions or acclaim, will not. Do not despair for not having enough of the latter, but for your sake, seize every day you have left to add to the former, to add to who you are meant to become, a work of art.
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While this article is not sparked by a question, I thought you might appreciate my sharing a profound insight that I experienced during the death of my wife, Nicolina (“Nicki”). She died on October 8th. When we marry, we promise to be faithful until we are parted by death. Today, I find many who think of that as a time to be feared, as a bitter pill to be swallowed, as an obligation owed in repayment for all the good and healthy years. Still others, seeing decreasing health in a spouse, contemplate divorce to escape mixing such pain and sadness with the previous years of pleasure and happiness. Of course, no one wants his or her spouse to die. I worked with every fiber of my being to return my wife to health, affording her every measure of care possible. But, when I had to travel through suffering to death with her, I discovered a new and deeper level of love. Doctors focus solely on preserving life, but patients often know when death is coming. My wife told me that she was dying a month before she died. I was slower to accept that reality, but when she entered a hospice program, invasive procedures stopped and facing death together entered a very intensive phase. Entering the room where you will die is a somber moment. My wife was understandably upset, and I decided to spend the night in the room with her. I positioned myself so that I could look directly at her face. She had just come off of two weeks on a respirator and so could barely speak above a whisper. I pointed to my eye, then my heart, and then her, conveying “I love you”, and she, unable to lift her arms, mouthed the same back to me. She looked inquisitively at me at one point, and when I said that I was crying, her eyes reached across the room to comfort me. We then stared at each other for about 3 hours, never speaking a word, our eyes riveted on each other, giving the sense that there was no distance between us. This continued until she fell asleep due to occasional morphine injections to hold her pain at bay. I have never felt anything that powerful before in my life! Marriage ceremonies talk about the two becoming one. That night we were one. Nicki died 5 nights later. She was in and out of consciousness, and we never again had the clarity of that one night, but it was an experience that has sustained me through her death and into my life without her. My words to you feel clumsy and awkward, unable to convey the power of the love felt. My only wish is to ease your fear of walking towards death with your spouse. Amidst the inescapable pain, there will also be the culmination of your love in ultimate intimacy. You will experience the joy of being one. Those who allow their fear to make them run from death will lose one of the purest gifts of life, let alone be haunted with the memory of not being there when they were most needed. |
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Question: Why do some people fall into the trap of getting divorced and then marrying the same type of person all over again? Answer: Why am I so "mean"? Because marriages doomed to end in pain often start with an unhealthy reason for their attraction. Strangely, many people marry someone whose personality is similar to the parent who they felt never loved them. The often subconscious thought is that "If I can get my spouse to love me, then maybe I could have gotten my parent to love me", the hope being to "kill two birds with one stone". Their spouse, therefore, is essentially two persons wrapped up into one: spouse + parent. If a divorce occurs, it is no great surprise that this person will repeat the process, being drawn to a similar personality. If they remarry, that person now equals three persons: parent + spouse #1 + spouse #2. Because so much is packed into one person, someone may be willing to endure a pretty awful marriage, for to lose the love of your spouse means losing the hope of ever being loved by your parent. Hence, this may be one reason that a spouse may tolerate emotional and physical abuse, frustrating family who plead with the person to get out of that relationship. It does not, however, always mean tolerating abuse. In other cases, it may mean giving it. For, if I felt unloved by my parent, one dysfunctional solution is to be passive and tolerate abuse, while another is to marry a passive person whom I can control. I remember once having a man come into counseling with his 6th wife, exclaiming in frustration, "Can you believe how unlucky I am? Six losers in a row!" When I did a marital history, you could have used a psychological cookie cutter to describe the wives of this man, each being immature and dependent. Once they grew up and became more assertive, his attraction for them ended, even though they were ironically now healthy for him. Finally, try to remember that this psychological connection between a spouse and a parent is almost always subconscious, and, if I were to suddenly make the connection clear, they would think that I had "lost it" and need a quick trip to the nearest psychiatric hospital! Therefore, the connection has to investigated and exposed gradually. How this is done is to get the person to think out why they are attracted to someone else. If they are getting a mental hernia trying to describe the love of their life, then they are more open to understand that there may be underlying reasons. It also leaves the door open to exploring what qualities in a spouse are truly desired, these often being the opposite of the parent whose love they have always pursued. |
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The Vow
Marriage is defined by the vow exchanged by a couple. This essence of marriage is seen whether the definition comes through philosophy, theology, sociology, or law. The vow conveys a commitment to be open, honest and flexible in growing together. The couple agrees to “live together in the covenant of marriage” (Book of Common Prayer, pg. 424) through all possible events (“for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death”; BCP, pg. 427). The seriousness of this is not only conveyed by fidelity until death, but also by the phrase, “This is my solemn vow”.
The depth of the commitment conveyed by the vow is one that requires adequate thought, the ceremony noting, “Therefore, marriage is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, deliberately, and in accordance with the purposes for which it was instituted by God.” (BCP, pg. 423)
The Purposes of Marriage
What are those purposes? The ceremony notes, “The union of husband and wife in heart, body, and mind is intended by God for their mutual joy; for the help and comfort given one another in prosperity and adversity; and, when it is God’s will, for the procreation of children and their nurture in the knowledge and love of the Lord.” (BCP, pg. 423) So, there are three purposes: joy, comfort, and children. The first two are clearly primary, as it notes children may not necessarily be possible.
A further understanding of what brings joy and comfort is added in the prayers for the couple during the ceremony, hoping that husband and wife can be “a strength in need, a counselor in perplexity, a comfort in sorrow, and a companion in joy.” To allow someone to be “a strength in need” implies trust, and to be “a counselor in perplexity” implies openness and flexibility to the loving advice from the other. This also speaks to the advice being “loving”, not controlling, the intent being to help the person grow, to become all that they were meant to be, not to be molded into what their spouse thinks they should be.
Scriptural support for this rests upon a few key texts.
The fourth purpose of marriage is a sacramental one, namely, that marriage “signifies to us the mystery of the union between Christ and his Church” (BCP, pg. 423). When you think about it, the Church, the Body of Christ, needs Christ to be “a strength in need” and “a counselor in perplexity”. And, the more years that process has been evolving, the more love is felt by the Church for Christ, and more love between a husband and wife. The more a couple love each other, the clearer is their vision of the love God has for them. To gaze into the eyes of your spouse is to gaze into the eyes of God. To feel the love of your spouse is to feel the love of Christ for you.
Therefore, the theology of marriage is not saying that reflection upon the love of a couple gives the observer an intellectual awareness of God, but rather that it gives a more complete awareness of God: intellectual, emotional, and spiritual.
Again, scripture speaks of this window into the understanding of God and his love for us, the primary text being Ephesians 5:
A Bumpy Ride
However, the theology of marriage does not imply an ideal, smooth process of growth. The relationship between God and mankind has been bumpy to say the least. Think of the lessons from scripture:
Couples have their own struggles throughout the journeys of the lives.
The Need for Support
Those and other transition points serve as challenges that can either move a couple closer together or break them apart. Just as no man is an island, so too no couple can function well in a vacuum, the wedding ceremony itself asking the family and friends present, “Will all of you witnessing these promises do all in your power to uphold these two persons in their marriage?” (BCP, pg. 425) As our society has weakened the ties of extended families, and as it has focused in communities upon the individual family instead of the communal family, essentially a “me” instead of “we” orientation, then the couple of today are often left more alone than they should be. Is it any wonder then that the divorce rate has skyrocketed?
Preparation for Marriage
To begin to reverse the trend towards divorce is to begin at the beginning, that is, to help couples to better prepare for marriage. This does not doubt the ability of couples to make wise decisions, but rather recognizes the need to help couples help themselves, to make them more aware of the process into which they are entering, and to give them better skills with which to grow.
The Process
To attain a better understanding of the process can be done by gaining a better understanding of the marital vow. The vow is not to be seen a boring, stagnant, legal commitment, but rather as a creative, breathing, growing covenant. Some of the ways in which people have looked upon marriage make that confusing, for instance, saying that it is time for a person to “settle down” or “grow up” and “be responsible”, and even describing one’s spouse as “a ball and chain”, implying that marriage involves a loss of freedom instead of expanding one’s freedom.
Another way of looking at it is that the marital vow is a protective bubble, keeping interference out and intensity in, allowing the couple to grow to new and ever higher levels of intimacy. Think about it. When a person has an affair, they water down the intensity and power of their marital relationship through the introduction of a third party.
One of the clearest examples to guide us in this process is given by Paul in his first letter to the Corinthians. Corinth was the third largest city in the Roman Empire, an industrial and shipbuilding center in southern Greece, which Homer had deemed “wealthy”, and which, due to its architecture and cultivation of the arts, Cicero had called “the light of all Greece”. Nonetheless, it was not exactly the moral center of Greece, and was so notorious for its debauchery and licentiousness that to be called “a Corinthian girl” was tantamount to being called a prostitute, and to “live like a Corinthian” was to lead a dissolute life. In the Christian community which he had founded in 51 AD, the lack of love had spread even to the Eucharist, where some would bring plenty of food and wine, while others went hungry.
Hence, Paul wanted to teach them what true love really was, devoting a portion of his first letter to this purpose (I Corinthians 13). Some of its attributes are:
1. Patient: What matters is more that a person genuinely wishes to grow rather than the speed by which they grow. For instance, men have trouble sharing their feelings. Women are often giants by comparison, and so should not use their rulers to judge the improvement of their husbands. To double his ability to share emotions may still only amount to a fraction of her ability, but, if he is really trying, then she should be patient.
2. Kind: What gets a spouse in trouble is usually not what they say, but how they say it. Helping one another grow should be done with kindness, not a sarcastic put down or a condescending lecture. The goal is intimacy, not victory. Your spouse wants a lover, not a teacher.
3. Does Not Envy: Of course, to love someone else, you must first love yourself. If you are envious of others, or if you are tooting your own horn to impress others, then you really do not like yourself very much. So, why did your spouse marry you? Because they were stupid? No, because they saw something in you that you may not have seen, and so let your spouse mirror back to you the wonder of your soul, helping you to love yourself more and envy others less.
4. Keeps No Record of Wrongs: Arguments between spouses often involve beating the other over the head with a litany of past sins. Arguments become a tug of war to see who will win. But if one spouse wins, the couple loses. As I said above, the goal is intimacy, not victory!
5. Forgiveness: If intimacy is to be achieved, and if patience is to be maintained in this process of growth, then forgiveness for the inevitable mistake or sin is essential. Remember, forgiveness is based less on the largesse of the forgiver and more on the potential for change of the person being forgiven. You chose your spouse due to their inner ability to grow. So, why not trust in your own judgment?
Skills
The best example of this coping would be skills in communication, for if a couple does not continue to talk at depth about who they are and how they are facing continual challenges, then the creative vow that defines their covenant with each other begins to erode. How often have you heard a couple sadly stating that “we grew apart”? They grew apart because they were apart, not together talking.
Various books teach various Communication Skills, but here are a few for couples to consider.
DO
DON’T
SUGGESTED READINGS:
The Rev. Peter K. Stimpson
Trinity Counseling Service
22 Stockton Street
Princeton, New Jersey 08540
609-924-0060
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Question: Do some people hide behind masks? Why do they do that? Answer: The masks we wear on Halloween, we can take off at the end of the evening. The personality masks that hide who we are become harder to take off as each year passes, as if we begin to believe the web of lies that we have been spinning. Hence, my advice is to take your mask off, realizing that your true self is far more beautiful than any mask, no matter how bejeweled it may be. Here are but a few examples of masks people wear everyday:
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Question: I am so discouraged with my life. I had hoped to succeed in life, but I’m just a Mom, running kids from one event to another. My other college friends have great jobs and are going places. How can I get myself back on track? Answer:
The foundation for all of this, and without which it falls flat on its face, is love. Our ability to love ourselves, and therefore others, comes primarily from our parents. When parenting is abusive, all future interactions are seen through blurry glasses, often leading to failed marriages, workaholism, alcoholism, and profound unhappiness. My job is a weaker version of yours, namely, to help people more clearly see their worth, coming to love themselves often for the first time. The whole notion of "transference" in therapy is that people heal when transferring their angry feelings at parents to a caring therapist, who, as a parental surrogate, returns love and guidance instead of criticism and rejection. While we all make a difference in the world, the role of parents is unquestionably the most significant. While you one day will have the job for which you yearn, it will pale in significance to the job you have today: being a Mom. |
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Yikes! Every day the Dow goes down and down and down. My nerves are shot and I feel so depressed by it all. Am I alone? Do others feel this way? How can I cope?
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Call me a cynic, but do you really buy what religion sells – that happiness comes from loving each other? Sounds good, but not too easy to be happy when you are poor. I grew up with nothing, got rich, and now am very happy. And, I don’t even go to church. If religion is so great, how is that possible? You have labored long and hard to earn enough money to live “the good life”, but that will inevitably come to an end. I do not mean that you will make some financial goof and end up poor. I mean that that no matter how rich you are, one day, you will die. Have you worked hard for what does not endure, and ignored what does? |
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Question: I have watched the way churches work. If I give enough money to the church, I can literally buy my way into heaven. Sinners who donate millions find that doors open and accountability goes out the window. How fair is that? Answer: God gives you free choice. He allows you to choose good or evil by the millions of choices that you make throughout your lifetime. The consequences of each choice, of each interaction between you and others, are written on your soul. No amount of money or manipulation will wipe them clean. If you choose to see others as potential suckers to manipulate, callously climbing over them to get to the top, then you do not learn how to love others. When you die, and are placed in the presence of God, your family and friends, you will not know how to be close to them. You will be alone and bitter, while at the same time seeing others being uncompromisingly happy. That state of being we call HELL. If you choose to see others as potential friends to help, stretching to give when it would be so easy to take, then you not only have friends on earth, but eternal happiness in a state of being called HEAVEN. The choice is yours, the judgment of God being to accept your judgment. You can fool us, but you cannot fool God. The consequence for being selfish is to BE selfish. While God is disappointed with your choices, He accepts them and forces you to live eternally by the choices you made over and over again in time. Think of the story of the man who asks Jesus, "What must I do to inherit eternal life?" He smugly assumes that, as he has kept the commandments, is "in like Flynn". However, when Jesus tells him to then sell all that he has, give it to the poor, and follow him, the man shuffles away crestfallen and discouraged, as "he had great possessions" (Mark 10:17-22). He tried to buy heaven, but Jesus demanded more that a perfunctory and shallow observance of the law. He expected a person to travel the bumpy road to spiritual maturity, to aim at becoming "perfect as you heavenly father is perfect" (Matthew 5:48). Even if he had given every dime he owned, that journey would still lie before him, money buying a lot of things, but personal maturity not being one of them. So, can you buy heaven? NO. Can you buy some people? Regrettably, YES. But, take heart, it all comes out even in the end. |
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Question: I have a friend who is continually rechecking things, like whether he locked the door of his house or car, or turned off the lights and stove. Why does he do that? How can he be helped? Answer: A. DEFINITION: A pattern where a person is haunted by intrusive, irrational thoughts, and tries to relieve and control the anxiety created by these thoughts with ritualistic behavior. For example, if a man thinks that germs are everywhere, then he may try to decrease his fear by increasing the number of times he washes his hands. B. SYMPTOMS: A person has both obsessive thoughts (persistent ideas that reasoning alone can not eliminate) and resulting, compulsive behaviors (ritualistic performance of certain acts), such as hand washing, arranging items (in a cupboard or medicine cabinet), and recurrent checking (doors, lights, etc.). C. ONSET: The illness usually occurs before the age of 25. It can be sparked by psychosocial changes in life, such as leaving home for college, the military, or marriage, or later in life by menopause or a mid-life crisis. D. TREATMENT: Effective treatment involves 4 levels of care:
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Question: I recently became a single parent, and I'm having a rough time. What are some pitfalls I should watch out for? Answer: 1. GRIEF: Work through the loss of your spouse. Let go of the desire to have your pound of flesh, face the fact that it took two to make a divorce, and try to remember that while you no longer share a marriage, you still share children and will have to work together for the rest of your life. 2. CHILD AS SPOUSE: If you do not work through your loss, then you may make one of two mistakes. Either you may displace anger from spouse to child, especially if the child resembles your spouse, or you may turn your child into your spouse, wanting the emotional closeness of which divorce has "robbed" you. 3. NO COUNSELING: Why work it through it alone? See your priest or a counselor to help you both for a re-evaluation of what went wrong in your marriage, and for a values clarification of what you are looking for when you begin to date. If you remarry, pre-marital counseling will also help you relax in your choice and get things off on the right foot. 4. COUPLE FRIENDS: The death of your marriage often means the death of some friendships that both of you shared, as they often feel the need to choose. Try not to take it personally, realize that you are about to discover who is "true blue", and see the pursuit of new friends as a new step in your new life. 5. PUSHING FAMILY AWAY: Let your family love you. If you need to move back home for a brief period, or need to accept financial help, accept the love your parents and relatives want to give you. Ministering to you is growth for them. 6. HERMITITIS: Avoid becoming a hermit. Go to church. Join a support group. Go out for an evening with a friend. And, while dating will probably feel like being an awkward teenager all over again, realize that Prince Charming or Cinderella are not going to come knocking on your door. You may groan at going to a singles dance, but your goal is not to be a party animal, just to gradually discover someone with whom you can share your new life. |
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My husband says that I'm overprotective with our son. In this scary world, is there really such a thing as being too protective? While you may be an anxious, first-time parent, your son only knows that the way you treat him is different from all of his friends. He goes to bed earlier than they do. You come out and rescue him from a minor squabble at the swings. You tie his shoes for him or dress him in the morning, to his consternation with his sleep-over friend watching, giggling, and waiting to call him "a baby". Later, you dissuade him from trying out for football as he is "thin-boned", and from asking a girl to the dance because he cried when a girl said no the last time. When he considers a college away from home, you tell him how he hated camp, and urge him to find a local school. When he goes to marry, you imply that he is naive and being controlled by his fiancé. What overprotective parenting says, therefore, is "You're just not strong enough to handle this". Repeated often enough, your child is conditioned to begin believing that message. Now, I realize that you did not mean to convey that message, but that is definitely what your son heard. So, protect your child, but not at the expense of his autonomy. Trust in your own training. Your son is smart, has absorbed your teaching, and will do just fine. If he goofs, don't panic. Just help him to think through what went wrong, and establish a new game plan. Giving him some head room and helping him think for himself demonstrates your confidence and trust in him. Doing it for him, or suggesting he not try, unwittingly produces a follower, not a leader. Is that really what you want? |
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My brother and his wife let their kids get away with murder. A 6-year old who goes to bed at 11 PM, swear words that are excused as “expressing themselves” or getting their anger out, have made my nephew and niece brats. However, when I try to talk to them, I come across as mean. If I’m right, how do I get my message across?
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My wife tells me that I’m too harsh with the kids. When I was growing up, my Dad was a lot more than harsh, pushing me all the time to work hard and giving me a good swift kick in the butt when I didn’t. Life is hard. What’s wrong with preparing kids for what they’re going to find when they leave home? While you want your son or daughter to live up to their potential, you do not want them to sweat buckets when they come home with an F in spelling in 4th Grade, fearing that you may revoke their membership card in the family. They need to know that you want them to do their best, but that your love is unconditional. Win or lose, you will be there for them. It is important that you teach that distinction now, for if you do not, they may later internalize the formula of inner worth being predicated upon outer performance and forever have an overcritical monkey on their backs. As kids, the examples are easy enough to spot; all you need do is watch their reaction to disappointments: not getting a hit in a Little League game, getting a C instead of an A in math, not making the football team in high school, not making honor roll, and so forth. Your response to their reaction will be key. If you are critical, scolding them for “goofing off” or labeling them “a loser” who will “never amount to anything if you keep this up”, you are reinforcing the negative message with which they have already branded themselves. When they leave home, your role in this process will end, but they will be running for the rest of their lives to prove themselves through a better job, a higher salary, a lower golf handicap, a better neighborhood, or whatever bespeaks success to them. By now being reasonable and sharing their disappointment, but reassuring them of your love and encouraging them to try harder next time, you mirror for them their value, and make them realize that tomorrow is, after all, another day. As their value is within them, then a loss today does not a loser make. Their innate abilities will rise to the occasion the next time, the pain of the disparity today between one’s inner potential and outer mistake being countered by another at bat tomorrow that will most probably yield a different result. So, prepare your child for life, but do so with understanding and love, and without harshness and cynicism. |
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Question: My friends allow their kids to get away with murder. They reason with their children, when I think a good spanking now and then would do wonders. What do you think? Answer: Instead of becoming the neighborhood James Bond, the child may become shy and withdrawn. Assuming that his own behavior gets him into trouble, he may become an expert in guessing "What Mommy wants me to do". While this seems to produce a "model child", the child in actuality doubts his or her own autonomy, and grows up thinking that being loved is conditional upon playing the game according to someone else's rules. Even if successful, the child doubts his own worth, and resents constantly putting his own desires in second place. How then does a parent discipline? The obvious trick is to gain obedience without losing autonomy. Your friends are on the right track, as the goal is to help the child to think, teaching the child to talk out his behavior, making him responsible for his behavior both by consciously making him choose it, and then making him accept the consequences of his choice. Making the child choose his behavior involves making the choice very clear, both in terns of the behaviors involved and their consequences. Not eating spinach means Sally loses desert, and not going to bed on time tonight means Steve will have to go a half-hour earlier for the next two nights. When the child protests by either whining or throwing a temper tantrum, the parent must enforce the negative consequence in a calm and consistent manner, reminding the child that the choice was his. The dynamics for older children are the same, simply involving a longer and more sophisticated discussion. While the value of a balanced meal or a good night's sleep is hard to debate, what time your teenage daughter comes home from a date is not quite so clear. The concerns of both adolescent and parents need to be shared, alternative solutions brainstormed, and a decision with consequences chosen. So, if parents decide to trust Mary with an 11:00 P.M. curfew, and she comes home at midnight drunk, not only should the consequence previously decided upon be enforced, but another discussion should occur to go over why her parents are so upset, and how she could have handled that situation more like an adult. A few final remarks are that the punishment should be meaningful. Sending Mike to his room may not mean much if he has a television, stereo, computer, comics, and toys there. Believe it or not, let the child propose his own punishment as this increases his sense of responsibility and decreases his picture of you as Adolf Hitler's clone. Also, calm down before talking, as losing your temper, calling your child "stupid", and imposing an unrealistic punishment will damage both your relationship with your child and his self-image, not to mention having you rescind your punishment and thereby look inconsistent. So, remember, reasoning with your child rather than striking him will produce a reasonable adult rather than an angry rebel or a compliant martyr. |
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QUESTION: Stress is eating me alive. I work so hard & feel like I accomplish so little. You’re a priest. Can prayer help me? ANSWER: Prayer in the form of meditation can quiet and refocus your mind. To take a step back empowers you to step forward with more power. Last summer at General Convention, I heard Bishop Griswold, during one of his daily sermons, quote the renown theologian, Thomas Merton: “We must learn to waste time conscientiously.”
To make this clearer, let me give you a thought and a process.
A THOUGHT: In our competitive society, we are so consumed with DOING that we forget the beauty of our BEING. We are loved by God, a love that we rarely dare to claim. Drowning in self-doubt and criticism, we have often lost our first love --- the memory of the love of God for us.
Therefore, we must accept our own “belovedness” --- warts and all! Grace comes to you not when you believe yourself to be strong & perfect, but rather when you humbly admit your weakness & imperfection, and realize that God still loves you.
A PROCESS: Meditation is simple:
1. Five Minutes: If you are feeling overwhelmed, take 5 minutes from your busy day to return refreshed and surprisingly more productive.
2. Comfort: Sit in a comfortable chair in a quiet place. Do not fold your arms or cross your legs so as to be able to be still.
3. Deep Breathing: Slowly, take a series of deep breaths, noticing the sense of relaxation that spreads over your body.
4. Focus: Then, let your mind focus on one thought (“God loves me”) or image (The Cross / Star of David). Reflect on its meaning for you. Or, simply clear your mind and concentrate on being quiet, not talking to God, but rather listening to what he might have to say to you.
5. Distracting Thoughts: When the rush of distracting thoughts inevitably occurs (“This is crazy; I should get back to work”), do not fight them, but also do not grab onto them. Just let them pass by, trying to remain focused on one vs. many things. Believe it or not, mastering this technique of staying focused is one of the principles that underlies stress management and success in business, let alone spiritual growth.
6. Practice: While this is not hard, it does take practice, as we are used to being ever busy. Yet, these 5 simple minutes each day will gradually give you a more profound sense of peace and of your own inner value that will fill the rest of your day.
The Reverend Peter K. Stimpson
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DOES PRAYER REALLY WORK?
1. Definition: Put simply, prayer is talking with God. St. Augustine defined it as “the soul’s affectionate quest of God”, a conversation with God where we attempt to not only talk, but also listen.
2. Types: When in a conversation with God, we can:
1. Transcendence and Immanence:
2. Reverence and Love:
1. Our Senses: How wonderful to see a sunset, hear a symphony, smell and taste a turkey dinner, or feel the warmth of a roaring fire.
2. Our Mind: Our ability to think enables us to go to school, get a job, talk with a friend, watch TV, read a book, and even travel to lands our wallets will not quite reach.
3. Our Heart: The gift of love offers us a smile and a hug from a true blue friend, and someone who not only understands what we say, but also gives us a warm, empathic, and caring response.
4. Our Spouse: Someone who cries with you when you are down, laughs with you when you are up, encouraging you to think of your strengths when you are overwhelmed by your weaknesses, and promising to be there forever --- WOW, what a gift!
5. Our Parents: No matter how we may bemoan our deprived upbringing, the truth is that more often than not our parents held us when we sobbed over a skinned knee, put our artwork on the refrigerator, tucked us into bed each night, and worked hard to give us advantages which they themselves never had.
6. Our Children: There is no greater use of our creativity than in the gift of self to a child. While your child has his or her own mind, doubtlessly all that he or she touches in life bears your mark. And the unconditional love that your child offers you in return is priceless.
7. Our Job: Without a job, there would be no money for food, clothing, and shelter. But your job is more than a necessary evil; it is how we express who we are. Instead of seeing yourself condemned to slave in the salt mines, realize the importance of your role in society. All it takes is a garbage strike to gain a whole new appreciation for a sanitation worker.
8. Our Faith: Even with all the blessings on earth, our life and happiness are limited. Faith enables us to leap to a new and limitless vision of what life is really all about, God offering us the gift of eternal life. While that is hard to comprehend, it certainly deserves another WOW and a simple, but heartfelt, expression of thanksgiving.
1. The Context of Asking:
2. Are Prayers Unanswered?
3. To Make You Rich? We also need to see that the purpose of a prayer of petition is to help in our development as people, not to get a good deal on a car, or a cheap rate of interest on a loan. The purpose of prayer is not to make you rich materially, but spiritually.
1. Informal and Formal:
2. Depths:
1. Thought: In our competitive society, we are so consumed with DOING that we forget the beauty of our BEING. We are loved by God, a love that we rarely dare to claim. Drowning in self-doubt and criticism, we have often lost our first love --- the memory of the love of God for us. Therefore, we must accept our own “belovedness” – warts and all! Grace comes to you not only when you believe yourself to be strong & perfect, but rather when you humbly admit your weakness & imperfection, and realize that God still loves you.
2. Process: Meditation is simple:
a. Five Minutes: If you are feeling overwhelmed, take 5 minutes from your busy day to return refreshed and surprisingly more productive.
b. Comfort: Sit in a comfortable chair in a quiet place. Do not fold your arms or cross your legs so as to be able to be still.
c. Deep Breathing: Slowly, take a series of deep breaths, noticing the sense of relaxation that spreads over your body.
d. Focus: Then, let your mind focus upon one thought (“God loves me”) or image (The Cross). Reflect on its meaning for you. Or, simply clear your mind and concentrate on being quiet, not talking to God, but rather listening to what He might have to say to you.
e. Distracting Thoughts: When the rush of distracting thoughts inevitably occurs (“This is crazy. I should get back to work.”), do not fight them, but also do not grab onto them. Just let them pass by, trying to remain focused on one vs. many things. Believe it or not, mastering this technique of staying focused is one of the principles that underlies stress management and success in business, let alone spiritual growth.
f. Practice: While this is not hard, it does take practice, as we are used to being ever busy. Yet, these 5 minutes each day will gradually give you a more profound sense of peace and of your own inner value that will fill the rest of your day.
The Reverend Peter K. Stimpson
1. Definition: Put simply, prayer is talking with God. St. Augustine defined it as “the soul’s affectionate quest of God”, a conversation with God where we attempt to not only talk, but also listen.
2. Types: When in a conversation with God, we can:
· Express our adoration of Him,
· Gives thanks for His multiple gifts, or
· Ask for help in our times of need.
1. Transcendence and Immanence:
· Theology has traveled along a continuum
o From Transcendence (the awe of God’s power that transcends our mortal limitations)
o To Immanence (the love of God who is always with us, his Son becoming Incarnate and his Spirit dwelling within us).
· Preeminent over the last fifty years has been the latter, often to the detriment of the former, we forgetting the majesty of a creator as seen through vast oceans, the expanse of skies, and the seemingly limitless universe.
2. Reverence and Love:
· It is this transcendence that has us bend our knees and bow our heads, humility being an understandable response to the contrast between God and us.
· It is this immanence that helps us feel the closeness and love of God. You send cards to those whom you love. You pay them a visit, bring them gifts, celebrate their birthdays, etc. How much time do you spend visiting God, offering him the gift of yourself, or dusting off a pew on a day other than Christmas or Easter?
1. Our Senses: How wonderful to see a sunset, hear a symphony, smell and taste a turkey dinner, or feel the warmth of a roaring fire.
2. Our Mind: Our ability to think enables us to go to school, get a job, talk with a friend, watch TV, read a book, and even travel to lands our wallets will not quite reach.
3. Our Heart: The gift of love offers us a smile and a hug from a true blue friend, and someone who not only understands what we say, but also gives us a warm, empathic, and caring response.
4. Our Spouse: Someone who cries with you when you are down, laughs with you when you are up, encouraging you to think of your strengths when you are overwhelmed by your weaknesses, and promising to be there forever --- WOW, what a gift!
5. Our Parents: No matter how we may bemoan our deprived upbringing, the truth is that more often than not our parents held us when we sobbed over a skinned knee, put our artwork on the refrigerator, tucked us into bed each night, and worked hard to give us advantages which they themselves never had.
6. Our Children: There is no greater use of our creativity than in the gift of self to a child. While your child has his or her own mind, doubtlessly all that he or she touches in life bears your mark. And the unconditional love that your child offers you in return is priceless.
7. Our Job: Without a job, there would be no money for food, clothing, and shelter. But your job is more than a necessary evil; it is how we express who we are. Instead of seeing yourself condemned to slave in the salt mines, realize the importance of your role in society. All it takes is a garbage strike to gain a whole new appreciation for a sanitation worker.
8. Our Faith: Even with all the blessings on earth, our life and happiness are limited. Faith enables us to leap to a new and limitless vision of what life is really all about, God offering us the gift of eternal life. While that is hard to comprehend, it certainly deserves another WOW and a simple, but heartfelt, expression of thanksgiving.
1. The Context of Asking:
· This is the type of prayer about which we are most familiar. It is when we ask God for help in dealing with the struggles in our daily journey towards fulfillment.
· As many of us see the glass half empty instead of half full, we tend to concentrate more of asking for what we do not have than thanking God for what we do have.
· And, when asking God for what we do not have, we often forget to ask within the context of the meaning of life. For instance, the purpose of life is not that we live forever, but rather that we choose what type of person we become through countless decisions between being good or evil, kind or cruel, helpful or manipulative, cooperative or controlling.
2. Are Prayers Unanswered?
· Hence, when we become ill and pray for that illness to be cured, it certainly will not always happen, for if we were to live forever in this life of limits and pain, we would never pass through this life to the next one full of eternal peace and happiness.
· As the beautiful prayer of St. Chrysostom so aptly states, “Fulfill now, O Lord, our desires and petitions as may be best for us; granting us in this world knowledge of your truth, and in the age to come life everlasting.”
· Therefore, when either we or those whom we love become ill, while we shall pray for them to recover, we might also pray for the strength to cope with the illness and with our eventual deaths.
3. To Make You Rich? We also need to see that the purpose of a prayer of petition is to help in our development as people, not to get a good deal on a car, or a cheap rate of interest on a loan. The purpose of prayer is not to make you rich materially, but spiritually.
1. Informal and Formal:
· As prayer is talking with God, it is best when in your own words, coming right from your innermost thoughts and feelings.
· However, as we all can use some help, the Church gives us countless formal prayers that can be said. Jesus himself understood this when He taught us the Lord’s Prayer.
2. Depths:
· In addition to prayer being informal or formal, it also can be of varying depths.
· For instance, brief morning prayers may steady us and give perspective to the day ahead, but meditation can go deeper in understanding the meaning of our lives. Let us look at a simple form of meditation.
1. Thought: In our competitive society, we are so consumed with DOING that we forget the beauty of our BEING. We are loved by God, a love that we rarely dare to claim. Drowning in self-doubt and criticism, we have often lost our first love --- the memory of the love of God for us. Therefore, we must accept our own “belovedness” – warts and all! Grace comes to you not only when you believe yourself to be strong & perfect, but rather when you humbly admit your weakness & imperfection, and realize that God still loves you.
2. Process: Meditation is simple:
a. Five Minutes: If you are feeling overwhelmed, take 5 minutes from your busy day to return refreshed and surprisingly more productive.
b. Comfort: Sit in a comfortable chair in a quiet place. Do not fold your arms or cross your legs so as to be able to be still.
c. Deep Breathing: Slowly, take a series of deep breaths, noticing the sense of relaxation that spreads over your body.
d. Focus: Then, let your mind focus upon one thought (“God loves me”) or image (The Cross). Reflect on its meaning for you. Or, simply clear your mind and concentrate on being quiet, not talking to God, but rather listening to what He might have to say to you.
e. Distracting Thoughts: When the rush of distracting thoughts inevitably occurs (“This is crazy. I should get back to work.”), do not fight them, but also do not grab onto them. Just let them pass by, trying to remain focused on one vs. many things. Believe it or not, mastering this technique of staying focused is one of the principles that underlies stress management and success in business, let alone spiritual growth.
f. Practice: While this is not hard, it does take practice, as we are used to being ever busy. Yet, these 5 minutes each day will gradually give you a more profound sense of peace and of your own inner value that will fill the rest of your day.
The Reverend Peter K. Stimpson
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Question: Don’t you think that racism is largely a problem of the past? While hate still exists, most people have black friends and see everyone as equal. Don’t you agree? Answer:
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Question: Can someone really fall in love? Each time the chemistry seems right, I pick the wrong guy. What am I doing wrong? Answer: Many a priest in pre-marital counseling groans when the couple draws a blank at the question, "What do you love about one another?" Serious trouble is indicated if, after much reflection, the answers indicate little depth, such as "because she's real pretty", "he's fun to be with", or, once to my horror, "because we like the same kind of pizza". While the couple may look upon the priest as if he or she has callously cast doubt on the love story of the century, nonetheless, a little work now could save a lot of heartache later. |
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It is amazing to me that living in a sophisticated society, one where everyone realizes that hard work in college and on the job is essential for success, that we still cling to the notion that there is a perfect person out there somewhere, and that the fortunes of fate will somehow magically enable you to bump into one another. And, if you luck out and meet a nice person, often people think, "What can go wrong if the chemistry is right?" The answer: Plenty!
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Violence Intervention in School
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The immediate goal of the project is to prevent violence by adolescents in the school, the family and the community. The long-term goal of the project is to offset the future costs of violence to the community by providing preventive help to adolescents before the propensity for violence becomes a pattern for the future. The project will provide research-based individual and family counseling interventions, and case management, with the goal of intervening to prevent the child and family from acting out violent behaviors. These services start where child study teams and school psychologists' services leave off. The project is in collaboration with the Princeton High School, and will provide research-based clinical interventions with the goal of intervening to prevent the child and family from acting out violent behaviors. These services start where child study teams and school pscyhologists' services leave off. The project will provide:
As demonstrated by last year's school shootings, violence in the schools is not restricted to urban, low-income populations. These services will be provided free of charge to all students who are referred by the high school as being at-risk for violence. |
Should I Have My Child Tested?
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Our child is having some difficulty in school, and the teacher suggested that we have him tested. I know very little about psychological testing. Should I have my child tested? Testing children is a process that has been around for a long time. You probably have heard of the IQ (Intelligence Quotient) test; that was developed in 1905 in France by Alfred Binet. Today, there exists a much wider variety of standardized tests of mental functioning that go deeper than a general IQ score. Such evaluations given by trained professionals to children from toddlerhood through adolescence can yield rich information to guide parents and teachers in helping children fulfill their potential. For example, tests can help determine how a child processes different types of information, his or her ability to pay attention visually and auditorially, the quality of visual and auditory memory, planning ability, problem solving skills, and much more. Knowing how your child functions in these areas can help you and your son's teacher guide and educate him more effectively. In addition to testing intelligence, there are tests of personality and of social & emotional functioning. Finding out why your child may have difficulty getting along with others or adapting to a routine can help a child make friends and better enjoy the social aspects of both school and play. Testing can also be a very effective tool for preschool and early elementary school children who display delays or adjustment difficulties. Appropriate strategies at school, when put in place early in your child's life, can help correct behavioral difficulties and learning problems before they get out of hand. And, outside the school setting, psychological testing can be extremely useful for a counselor in developing a treatment plan tailored to your child's needs. Well, I hope this has been helpful. Remember 2 points:
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Back to School: Back to Being Overwhelmed
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Question: Oh God, the kids are going back to school, and schlepping them from activity to activity has them and me absolutely overloaded! Can you help me? Answer:
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Question: Everyone tries to be a big deal, to brag about what they have done right and deny what they did wrong. Why? Has it always been so? Answer: Overcritical parents unwittingly convey that love is conditional upon performance. Unless you get an "A", hit a home run, get into the right college, and marry the right person, your worry is that criticism and rejection will greet you with chagrin at the front door. Not surprisingly, as you get older, you subconsciously transfer that power to bring you up or down to others, like your teacher, your boss, or your spouse. Getting fired or divorced become fates worse than death, loudly proclaiming to all what a "loser" you are. If you have given others the power to determine your worth, then you try to please them, turning yourself into a psychological pretzel to be noticed. You try to tip the scales by bragging about your accomplishments and denying your failures. Even if all goes well, you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for someone to peal back the mask of your phony facade and see the "real you". Hence, being on top today means nothing tomorrow, and you have to daily drag yourself out of bed to wearily climb that mountain again & again, endlessly hungering for others to give you a nod. My wife and I recently traveled to Italy, and what struck me was how this same theme repeats throughout time. The biggest statues in St. Peter's in Rome are of the Popes, the palaces of the Medici in Florence have their pictures and statutes splashed throughout most rooms, and the paintings of Jesus or Mary in the Palace of the Doge in Venice usually have the Doge strategically in the picture as if he already had one foot in heaven. So, if you are bothered by those who arrogantly claim to be "on the inner track" and not-so-subtly shove their bigger car & house in your face, realize that they are lost in an upside-down world where their value is out of their control, feeling condemned to anxiously compete in order to survive. Instead of jealously joining their epistemological worldview, why not realize that your worth is internal, not external, that is, determined by you, not others. What lasts is not the position you hold or the power you wield, but rather the person whom you choose to become. Titles and positions are at best recorded in a dusty book that few read, whereas your soul vibrantly travels en toto from this life to the next. Your integrity & intuition, responsibility & reliability, sensitivity & caring, and your ability to give & receive love are the true testaments to who you have chosen to become, and most importantly are defined by you, not others. These are not tarnished by a bad economy, a bad marriage, ill health or even an early death. However, they can be damaged by you, if you choose to compromise who you are due to being fooled into playing the game of the insecure bragger, endlessly chasing the ghost of happiness that is always just out of his or her grasp. |
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While many well-meaning religion teachers drummed into us the need to “give till it hurts”, both Jewish and Christian scriptures tell to “love your neighbor as you love yourself” (Leviticus 19:18 & Matthew 22:39, Mark 12:30 and Luke 10:27). We tend to forget about the second half of that advice. Think about it, if you do not love yourself well, then you will not love your neighbor well. Let me give you a few examples, some with references to the bible, to help you understand what I mean.
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Question: Our Church has been talking a lot about sexual harassment. Could you tell us more about it? What is it? Why is it wrong? Who does it? Answer:
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Question: I just found out that a woman friend who was always very distant had been a victim of incest. Could you help me understand the issues and how I could help? Answer: A. DEFINITIONS: Incest is a form of sexual abuse perpetrated by a relative. In the case of women, this is usually the father, stepfather, grandfather, or uncle. It takes many forms, such as being forced to listen to sexual talk, being fondled, forced to perform oral sex, or being raped. B. CAUSES: The causes are many. For women, it may be due to a father who is immature, perceives his wife as threatening, acts as a peer to his children, and wants the closeness that he feels is denied him in his marriage. Or, it could be a domineering, controlling father, who feels justified in abusing anyone in the family. Or, due to illness or divorce, a parentified child may be viewed by a weak parent as a source of emotional and physical comfort. C. EFFECTS: Whatever the cause, the child tends to regress, fear intimacy, and withdraw from close contact with others, being mistrustful of people in general and of those who have a parental role in particular, even God. As the child may have wanted attention, they may feel guilty and sinful for causing the abuse, and feel unlovable as even a trusted family member abused them. D. COPING: To survive, the memory of the abuse may be repressed, or the abuse minimized, such as saying it only happened once or their parent was drunk. In more severe cases, a multiple personality may form, splitting the self to allow one part of the person to escape so that the other may face the demands of the day. E. TREATMENT: The person can be helped to bravely face that the abuse occurred, accept that it was never their fault, allow anger at the abuser to surface, and gradually move forward to forgiveness, not to excuse the abuser, but to stop allowing the abuse of the past to destroy the present. Whether the abuser is confronted is up to the victim, for amazingly, the family of the abuser may be just as deep in denial, and label the victim "crazy" or a "troublemaker" who is ruining the reputation of a beloved family member. The memory of the abuse can never be forced, but only discussed as it slowly comes to the surface. As a friend, therefore, you need to listen with empathy, accept that closeness will come very gradually, and offer your patience and unconditional love. |
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QUESTION: Stress is eating me alive. I work so hard & feel like I accomplish so little. You’re a priest. Can prayer help me? ANSWER: Prayer in the form of meditation can quiet and refocus your mind. To take a step back empowers you to step forward with more power. Last summer at General Convention, I heard Bishop Griswold, during one of his daily sermons, quote the renown theologian, Thomas Merton: “We must learn to waste time conscientiously.”
To make this clearer, let me give you a thought and a process.
A THOUGHT: In our competitive society, we are so consumed with DOING that we forget the beauty of our BEING. We are loved by God, a love that we rarely dare to claim. Drowning in self-doubt and criticism, we have often lost our first love --- the memory of the love of God for us.
Therefore, we must accept our own “belovedness” --- warts and all! Grace comes to you not when you believe yourself to be strong & perfect, but rather when you humbly admit your weakness & imperfection, and realize that God still loves you.
A PROCESS: Meditation is simple:
1. Five Minutes: If you are feeling overwhelmed, take 5 minutes from your busy day to return refreshed and surprisingly more productive.
2. Comfort: Sit in a comfortable chair in a quiet place. Do not fold your arms or cross your legs so as to be able to be still.
3. Deep Breathing: Slowly, take a series of deep breaths, noticing the sense of relaxation that spreads over your body.
4. Focus: Then, let your mind focus on one thought (“God loves me”) or image (The Cross / Star of David). Reflect on its meaning for you. Or, simply clear your mind and concentrate on being quiet, not talking to God, but rather listening to what he might have to say to you.
5. Distracting Thoughts: When the rush of distracting thoughts inevitably occurs (“This is crazy; I should get back to work”), do not fight them, but also do not grab onto them. Just let them pass by, trying to remain focused on one vs. many things. Believe it or not, mastering this technique of staying focused is one of the principles that underlies stress management and success in business, let alone spiritual growth.
6. Practice: While this is not hard, it does take practice, as we are used to being ever busy. Yet, these 5 simple minutes each day will gradually give you a more profound sense of peace and of your own inner value that will fill the rest of your day.
The Reverend Peter K. Stimpson
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WAYS OF COPING
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Helping Kids Cope with Terrorism
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Question: It’s been five years since September 11 th, and with all that is going on in the world, do you have any ideas how I can help my kids cope in case another terrorist attack happens? Answer:
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Question: Forgive me for being a cynic, but what is Thanksgiving really all about? We seem to always be under the threat of terrorism. My wife and I have been arguing more than usual. And if that was not enough, I just got a horrible case of the flu. Now, you clergy are telling me to celebrate Thanksgiving by thanking God for all he has done for me. Thanks for what? Answer:
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What is your net worth? When I ask that question, does your mind jump to your portfolio? If money defines your life, then you are, indeed, crushed by the loss of your assets, and, while not poised by the window of your office ready to jump out, you think of yourself as less of a success than you were a year ago. The problem is that you have your priorities upside down; in your mind, if you have less, then you are less. If you have lost a lot of money, then you are a loser. With that mental framework, how could you not be depressed? Depression is a gap between our ego (who we are) and our ego ideal (who we think we should be). If you think that you should be wealthier, or should have seen the economic meltdown coming and wisely sold your stocks, then those “shoulds” push you down into the deep dark hole called depression. The solution is to realize that you have put the cart in front of the horse. Your worth is predicated more by who you are, and less by what you attain. Who you are defines your potential or power to make money, make love, raise a family, or whatever you choose. Within you is a mind with which to think, a heart with which to love, an imagination with which to dream, and qualities such as honesty, integrity, and kindness that attract people to you. Ask your family why they love you; I doubt that it is because you have a lot of money. Now I am not saying that losing a high percentage of your assets is good, nor am I saying that there is anything wrong in making money. What I am saying is that your net worth is predicated more upon who you are than what you attain. When you die, what goes with you from this life to the next is not your money, but yourself. Just as you have grown your investments, you can grow as a person, becoming more understanding, more forgiving, more patient --- more you. The happiness that will bring you benefits you in this life, as well as the next. So, while the loss of your assets is bad, you are not! You are just as talented as ever. Hard as it is, try to see that while our recessionary economy has put a dent in your portfolio, you as a person have emerged unscathed. And, bad as it is, your financial loss can have a good effect, awakening you to see your real net worth, which does not rise and fall with the Dow, but is a rock solid foundation for your growing happiness. Peter K. Stimpson |
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Question: I have been widowed now for 2 years, and feel so incredibly alone. I do not think most people understand what people like me are going through. Could you say a few words about "Widowhood"? Answer: 1. CARING: Many well-meaning family and friends try to surround the widow immediately after death, and perhaps for the first month or two. Bereavement, however, is a process without a clock, feelings being churned up by the first year of birthdays, holiday, and anniversaries of both marriage and death. Therefore, if you see someone crying in church 6 months after the death of their spouse, don't be impatient; be caring. 2. ANGER: A widow can be angry at her spouse for leaving her with a host of medical bills or children to raise alone, or at God for "dumping" an unfair situation in her lap. You can help by just listening with empathy, realizing that anger is just a normal stage of dealing with death. 3. SOCIALIZING: Many widows find socializing with married friends to be awkward. For the widow, get-togethers have few single people, and listening to stories of happy times with spouses, while very normal, often feel like salt in her wounds. This does not mean walking on egg shells around a widow, but rather having enough sensitivity to rethink the inclusion of a widowed person. 4. REMARRIAGE: Having mourned the loss of her husband, the widow gradually entertains thoughts of remarrying, but the discouraging cry of anyone over 40 is: "Where do I find someone?" And, when she has begun dating, the challenge is to not compare a 3-month relationship with a 30-year marriage. Dating the new man does not mean forgetting your dead husband. No one can take his place. While you should not forget him, try not to enshrine him. After all, would he have wanted you to unhappily live alone for the rest of your life? 5. FINANCIAL LOSS: Hopefully, husbands have their spouses mentioned in their wills, and in their retirement and life insurance policies. But, even so, there is unquestionably less income, and that will mean not only adjusting to the loss of your spouse, but to the loss of your lifestyle. This then also impacts upon your socializing, as friends must recognize that eating out and going on trips may not always be possible. 6. TLC: Widows need to take care of themselves. While you may be depressed, try to force yourself to prepare and eat nutritious meals, and to get a good night's sleep, perhaps with the aid of a hot bath, herbal tea, or a good book. Try to exercise regularly, even if that simply be walking or gardening. 7. PRAYER: The agony of loneliness can unwittingly introduce you to the ecstasy of solitude, where you can discover that you are far more than someone's wife or mother, and that you have an ever-present friend, God. Try to pray on a daily basis, even if it is only 5 minutes a day. Wasted time in a line at the grocery store or car wash can also be a time to talk to God, as can planned time where you might keep a journal. |
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Question: I have been going on a lot of job interviews. Recently, I really had my hopes up, and even got a second interview. But, I didn’t get the job. I’m beginning to wonder what’s wrong with me. Do other people doubt themselves when hunting for a job? Answer: So, how do you survive in what seems like a dog-eat-dog environment? I have two ideas. First, do not give others the power to determine your worth. All too often, many mistaken constructive criticism as implying that their worth is conditional upon performance. Accordingly, they hunger for praise, working long and hard to earn the love of parents, the praise of teachers, the envy of peers, and the cheers of the crowd. Even if earned, the sinking feeling is that fame is fleeting and happiness ephemeral, and that a new day puts them back in the salt mines, slaving away like a mouse on a treadmill forever running after the ghost of self-esteem that is always just out of their grasp. The solution is to define your worth from within instead of from without, based on your internal qualities instead of external opinions. You know yourself better than anyone. Take back the power to determine your worth. Realize that those qualities that have enabled you to travel through life never go away, that while jobs come and go, you always stay, defined by your intelligence, caring, sensitivity, responsibility, honesty, and integrity. Once your worth rests upon who you are instead of what you do or who others think you are, then it is as if you are wearing a psychological suit of armor. Never again will outside forces pull the rug out from under you. Second, remember that, as Homer once wisely said, the journey is the thing. While I hope you get the job that you want, the yardstick by which to measure your success is less a position or a possession, and more the person whom you become along your journey in life. Those internal qualities of which I spoke are deepened and refined by each interaction with each person on each day of your life. Every day is an opportunity to grow, and while your salary may go up or down, and while you may gain and lose jobs, who you are stays with you throughout your life and on into eternity. No critical and tyrannical boss can take that away from you. So, cheer up. Another job is just around the corner. But, your worth continues to grow every day, job or no job. |
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I've been unemployed for almost a year now. I'm trying, but I just can't find a job. I'm so embarrassed. For a while I even pretended to go to work so none of the neighbors would know. I feel like such a loser! WAYS OF COPING
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